I've had a crazy ass week, emotionally.

Work's been okay, I worked every other day this week so it was quite pleasant.

But maybe it's because I'm sort of on my period? Don't ask, I have feminine issues. I have my period for like a half of a second but my emotions are still all FUCKED.

No alarms, and no surprises, please.

So I had a dream about Spenser the other night, we were laying in the floor together and I cried and pleaded with him to come back. Then I ended up somehow talking to Liz and I felt so worthless in the dream, like that she was better than me and that I deserved whatever happened. It was not pleasant, because when I woke up and realized that I hadn't been talking to Spenser I felt really sad. Luckily I was sleeping with Eric though, so when I woke up I was not alone.

I feel really stupid sometimes. Because as much as I like Eric, I still completely drool over his brother Jon and I'm constantly wondering why I wasn't good enough for him. I think I may still like him quite a bit. JESUS CHRIST, THAT'S FUCKED. Now he is talking to Layla, who used to be my best friend, and I wonder why the fuck she is so much better than me. Oh yeah, I know why, because she is as dumb as a fucking brick and Jon loves to be the smart one in a relationship. What a dick, right? I don't know that I'll ever be cool with the way that he totally rejected me though, so maybe it's normal to feel this way. I just feel guilty because Eric is so right and nice, and Jon isn't.

That may be confusing to some of you, but umm SUCK MY DICK.

Listening to Radiohead at night is a bad idea. When I hear them though I think about when I saw them live and it gives me chillbumps.

I WISH THAT I GAVE LESS OF A SHIT ABOUT EVERYTHING. GHAIASUJSAGYHEJYGHERSRUJEHFG.

This entry was pointless, I originally had a lot to say. Who knows what happened. I'm missing Pulp Fiction.

Dear Emily,

Stop being so sad just because you didn't get to see your boyfriend today. You're not worthless just because you're not with him. Grow the fuck up, sometimes you can't be with the person you want to be with. Get over it. Stop treating everyone else like shit just because you're feeling shitty over something totally stupid.

Dear Mom,

YES, I feel bad just to make you feel bad! Convenient, I know. But I'm actually really happy I just pretend to be sad just to make your life harder. You got me! Can't believe I got caught in this circle of lies, WOW, you're smart.

Dear Charlie,

You're a dick. Period. Thanks for being so aesthetically displeasing, otherwise I might actually care that you were a dick to me.

Dear guy who sits next to me in History class,

You suck at life. Feel free to stop breathing at any given moment because your life is completely worthless. I wish you didn't ever fucking speak because your voice makes me want to shoot myself in the fucking throat. Your notes are totally atrocious, I hope that you're failing. I think that you are.

Dear stupid bitch in both my classes named Tia,

STOP SMOKING, YOU'RE FUCKING PREGNANT. And stop being such a dumb black bitch with an annoying ass voice. YES, AN ASS VOICE, THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE.

DEAR EVERYONE,

IF YOU DON'T IMPROVE MY LIFE OR HELP ME OUT IN ANY WAY AT ALL, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. DON'T TALK TO ME, DON'T LOOK AT ME, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THINKING ABOUT ME. JUST FUCK OFF.

I don't feel alive today, I feel dead.

Lately I don't feel anything, and I'm such a bitch to everyone.

I don't know what's happening, and I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

Maybe being callous is the only way I can avoid getting hurt, but right now I feel like I can't experience joy either.

I can't decide if its better to feel every emotion to the utmost extreme or if its better to feel nothing.

I think about dying a lot, I miss Mammy a lot. I went over to Grandpa's house today, and it just felt empty and sad. I really need to talk to John about Mammy, since I really haven't in the year and a half I've been seeing him. That probably says something about how fucked up its made me, but who knows.

And maybe it isn't that I can't feel anything, because talking about Mammy raises tears into my eyes.

I just wish I could be happy, and that it were easy. But I can't be, and it's not. My life is forever complicated by my stupid mental illness.

Which I hate mentioning, because I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses or that my problems are so much worse than everyone elses.

I just feel completely hopeless, and I feel like if Mammy were here that she would know exactly what to say to make me feel better. I never really had a mourning period, you know? I was so focused on being tough for everyone else, and making sure that everyone else had what they needed that I never got whatever it was that I needed.

I mean Spenser didn't really help, I'm sure he had no idea how to help.

I just can't believe that she is never coming back, I'd kill myself just to be with her. But I'm so uncertain of what happens when someone dies that it scares me. I don't want to not exist, and I don't want to believe that Mammy doesn't exist.

I'm such a worthless slut, my life has no value. What is wrong with me? Why do I sleep with people that I do not love? Why don't I care that I sleep around? It's because I have no self-worth.

This is the part where I would usually smoke weed and forget about everything and relax, but I can't afford any right now and it's making my life virtually unlivable.

I need to be reading a chapter of my history book for school, but fuck it. Damn it all. I hate school and I don't plan on living past 25 so school doesn't matter.

Why not past 25? I have no idea, I just have a really eerie feeling that I'm going to die young and tragically. Maybe I'll off myself, who knows.

Am I really fat?


................................................................................................................................................................ ineedtogosomewhere.

HELLO, WORLD!

Or maybe hello the two whole people who read this!

Either way, I'm totally thrilled to be alive right now.

AND THAT'S NOT JUST BECAUSE I TOOK MY HAPPY ANTI-ZOMBIE PILL LATE TODAY. okaymaybethatswhy.

Okay, anyway, here's an update tdeapu tudaep dtepua.

SO THERE WERE THREE GUYS IN MY LIFE.

1. CARL

2. ERIC

3. CHARLIE

We will talk about them in order.

Carl is being a douche right now because I couldn't hang out with him on Friday. He invited me to have brunch and watch movies, but I was having lunch with my sisters and mommy and then I was going swimming with either Charlie or Eric (at the time I hadn't decided which) so I couldn't do it. I told him that we could have breakfast but that I wouldn't be able to hang out too long and he just sort of blew it off. I don't really care though, not really.

Eric is WONDERFUL. He just lets me be myself and I never feel cranky around him. He just totally accepts me, man, it's a pretty sweet deal. I think that I could fall in love with him but I need to be careful because I don't know if he is really capable of falling in love with anyone. But I'm not too worried about it, it'll happen how it happens. We do fun shit like go skinnydipping and take showers together and we FUCK, which is awesome, which I like. And besides that we watch good movies and eat good food and hang out with his awesome dad (De). De is always telling me how perfect and beautiful I am, and how much he loves me. Which, of course, I love. I'm kind of glad that Eric isn't all "OMG ILU" because that'd be creepy and also it would complicate things, which I don't want. I think whatever happens with Eric will happen slowly, which is good, stability is more important than passion. I really like him though, he's got blonde hair and blue eyes and is super skinny. He is only a couple of inches taller than me, but I don't mind that so much. I like tall guys, but the physical stuff just doesn't seem that important to me anymore, idk, I guess I'm just getting more mature. Anyway, right now it's good with Eric. He makes me feel safe and comfortable, I feel less crazy around him. He makes me feel normal.

Then there WAS Charlie (I'm not speaking to that self-righteous bastard anymore). It was nice that he liked me so much (the kid basically worshipped the ground I walked on) and it was nice that he made me coffee and told me that I was beautiful, but you know none of that stuff really mattered when he got mad at me and told me what he REALLY thought about me. Which was that I was fat and easy. OK, easy, maybe, but fat? No fucking way. Plus the kid weighs like three hundred pounds so IDK which hundred pounds was calling me fat, but I didn't appreciate it. He also told me that Liz (Spenser's new baby mama/girlfriend) was so much better than me, and that he could see why Spenser chose her over me. Which Spenser didn't even technically choose her over me, because I broke up with him before he and Liz ever got together, but WHATEV. I stole his virginity LOL so now he's all moody over it because I didn't want to be with his sorry ass. Haha, he's going to remember me forever whether he wants to or not. He'll probably just say "Yeah, I lost my virginity to some fat, easy girl." Which will only make HIM look bad. Since his next fat and easy girlfriend will have no idea who I am, nor will she really care. He was begging to have his heart broken, so I did and IT FELT GOOD. Oh, then after he said all this shit to me, he was like "OMG I still want to be friends." And I was like, "Fuuuuuuck thaaaaaat." As much as I normally like people who abuse me, I think I'm moving past it. Don't need people in my life who treat me like shit, nope, not really. PEACEOUTFATASS, can't believe that I cut myself over you, you sorry piece of shit.

Wow, I REALLY needed to vent about that. It felt good. I wish the whole world was reading this.

Did I mention that Eric would never EVER say anything bad about me? Nope, he wouldn't. It just wouldn't happen. Even if I did something to piss him off (not that that is likely to happen, I don't even know what crazy thing I would have to do to piss him off) he would never cut me down with lameass insults. EVER. He likes me, forreal, and not just because he thinks I'm some girl he dreamt me to be, but because of who I am. Yeah, so, GO ERIC! Or whatever.

I am so different now. I used to just fall super hard for people, but not anymore. I guess I'm callous or jaded or something, but I'm not complaining. This works out much better for me. Fewer broken hearts is hardly a bad thing. I mean, really, as much as I like Eric, if something happened and I couldn't see him any more, it wouldn't be the end of the world. If anything, I would just be bored. Which would suck, but I can always find things to do, everyone can.

I miss Kayla, I've been so wrapped up in pre-relationship schmoozing that I've hardly gotten to hang out with her. I think it's been like two weeks since I've even seen her. Damn. I really need to see that bitch, I love her to death.

I finally smoked for the first time in two weeks the other day, it was such a relief, I don't feel so high strung any more, it like released everything bad that I was feeling. Smoking weed really does wonders for me, I don't think that I'm imagining it. It just makes me a better person in general. I have some money now to buy so hopefully I can get hooked up before the weekend is over. I called Chris tonight but he was all out on sleeping pills so I told him I would catch him later, lol, silly boy. His older sister is my manager at Panera, kind of funny.

I'm really hyper and I just commented on everyone and their mom's Facebook. LAWL.
I never get on Facebook because I always do that shit and it'd get annoying.

MY FOOT IS NUMB.

IT'S OK.

Wish I didn't have to work tomorrow. Work = lame.

UMMMM. GOODNIGHT. BUT I MIGHT BE BACK BECAUSE I'M REALLY HYPER AND PROBABLY WONT BE ABLE TO SLEEP.

KBAI.

Sooooooooooooooooo a lot has happened in these three weeks that I haven't updated.

I somehow magically have friends now, I think its the season. I always have people to chill with during the summer, I think that it's because the weather makes me more extroverted.

I had to tell Carl tonight that I didn't want to get involved with a co-worker, which sucked, I could tell it sucked for him too which was even worse. Man, life gets so complicated. It's ridonculous. Sorry, Carl <3 (NIGGER, I KNOW YOU READIN' THIS SHEEIT.)

And then there's Eric. It's kind of weird because I used to be involved with his older brother last summer. (I know, that shit is creepy as hell.) I JUST WANT TO BE PART OF D'S FAMILY. That is so weird, ima be quiet now.

But seriously, Eric has never had any experience with girls. So it's weird. I'd rather not be his experiment, you know? I need to hook him up with a whore and deal with him later. He's so nice, too, I feel like I could break his heart at any moment. And I'm terrible with nice guys, I know that's fucked up, but deal with it. I love me some assholes. Typical girl, I know. I'm just so aggressive, and pushovers bore me to tears. I need a real man, you know, someone to put me in my place. Someone who will tell me off when I'm being a bitch or annoying like I was tonight at work. I'm tired of wearing the pants in all of my relationships, it gets old. But nice guys tempt me so much, I think it's because my brother is that way, he's a real bleeding heart sensitive liberal type.

WOW. WHAT A PARAGRAPH.

I. love. Kayla. OMG, she like totally gets me. We can watch Hot Rod over and over again together and still laugh at all the stupid shit that movie is all about. It's awesome. She is totally awkward, just like me, and at Summer Sideshow we just stood around and were total tools. It was almost zero fun, but we were in it together.

I smoked with some hot guy today, but I sort of spit up all over myself because my pipe was dirty and made a complete arse out of myself. BULLOCKS. He has a girlfriend and everything but I was still totally swooning.
 
Then there is Lawrence and Zane, the fags, I love them so much. Lawrence is a rich little bitch and super annoying, but he loves me so naturally I love him back, he's a total whino too, it's gr8. Zane, that motherfucker, is cool as hell, he smokes me out and we always have a chill time together. I am such a fag hag, but it's great, I love gay men. LET ME HOLLA AT CHOO, STEPHAN, BECAUSE I LOVE YOUR ASS TOO. I never thought I would be lucky enough to have three gay dudes in my life, it's pretty awesome. Wow, it just really is. I want to become a super gay rights activist, hippie style, gay people WILL be able to get married in the next twenty years, I might as well join the movement. I just don't want to do it alone. Gay rights, anyone? Let's do it.

I don't understand how the world could be so fucked up that gay people don't have the same rights as straight people. I mean, is this 1952 or am I missing something? Women can work and vote and so can black people, why should we stop there? Everyone should have the simple right of being married. And the right to love mary jane freely and not on the DL. C'mon, you know you want it. RIGHTS, PEOPLE, RIGHTS. WE ALL DESERVE THEM.

Even though I believe in God, and have strong faith, I cannot say that gay people are going straight to hell. And I do not think that it's a lifestyle choice. I believe that some people (note: SOME, some people sdo just want to be weird and choose it) are born gay, and that's just a fact of life. Now, are we going to deal with it like mature adults or are we going to call them heretics and burn them at the stake? I mean, seriously, what century are we living in. Christians are assholes, seriously. Get off your high horse, already, maybe being gay is like being mentally insane. We don't judge people who are clinically insane or people who have diabetes, but we are quick to judge a man who is into other men. How is it different? It's a condition of being.

I'm probably just babbling and not even arguing my point properly. It's late, give me a break.

Somebody tell me how to control my gag reflex, some mind tricks or something. I can suck dick without doing it (usually), but I can't smoke a cigarette or brush my teeth without doing it. HELP! I don't want to make a douche out of myself again after I did today, I actually may be scarred for life from it, can't tell too much yet.

MY ANKLE ITCHES LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. GHRAHHAHHANHABSNS!

I. will. punch. your. lights. out. mother. fucker.

I WILL!

I'm so weird, Ima STFU now and GTFO.

PEACE.


Call me. ;D

I was just watching Frances' senior video, and I realized how much I have missed out on her life, it's so sad.

I missed out on everyone's life, none of the people I was friends with are my friends anymore. All my really good LJ friends are gone, all of my real friends are gone. I was so engrossed in Spenser that I totally missed out on everything. High school is over, the people I did know are going off to college and I'll probably never see or talk to them again.

It was stupid to become so involved in a relationship, so involved that I forgot about all of my other friends. I was friends with his friends until we broke up, and of course none of those people are talking to me. I wish Michael would be my friend, but he is so weird, I bet he wouldnt talk to me because of what happened with Spenser either. How do I find new friends? I mean, I found Kayla at school and she is pretty cool, but she is nothing compared to the friends I used to have. I used to talk to Lauren every fucking day when she got home from school, and we would talk for hours.

Now I just sit at home and watching fucking Degrassi (lame), maybe it will be better when I go back to school for the summer, but right now I just feel like my life is full of boring. I don't know what I was thinking, I mean yes-- I was thinking that I was going to marry Spenser and that I wouldnt have to worry about friends anyway, but Jesus, things turned out so badly. And as much as I'd like to tell him to fuck off if he showed up right now, I know I would crawl right back into his arms. That's never going to happen, but I don't know how truly over it I am.

He hurt me so badly, so badly that I cannot even capture it for you. And I did it, I broke up with him, I fucked it all up. Now I'm alone and nobody gives a shit whether I live or die.

I'm in love with a boy who is incapable of such feeling-- Theo, and I'm lucky if he ever talks to me at all, much less getting to see him. I'm pretty sure he hates me, I fucked that up too by leading him on and running back to Spenser several times. I have performed a full mutiny on my own life, I have fucked everything up ON PURPOSE and now I'm regretting every decision I ever made. I wonder what my life would be like if Spenser had never been part of it, or if I had broken up with him the couple times before when I tried. I might have actually had a chance at a life seperate from Spenser. But now, everyone is so seperated, there is no hope, none of the people I used to be friends with are even remotely looking for a friend like me.

I texted Lauren a while back, and told her that I've always liked her, and she texted back and was like "I'll text you this weekend." But she never did, no surprise there. She has a boyfriend right now, and I guess she just forgot. I don't know, I haven't tried to text her since then.

I don't know, I just feel hopeless. I wish I had friends, and that I hadn't fucked up all of my relationships.

It would help if I wasn't so critical of people, like I texted Nate last week and the conversation started off super positive, but the more he talked the more I realized how much I couldn't stand him so the conversation ended on a bad note. He is ridiculously handsome, but he's full of shit and I can't tolerate it. He's so fucking "cool" and I hate that so much. His last words to me were "It's not me, it's you." What a dick, right? But he is probably right, it is me, me not tolerating his pretty boy attitude.

So I guess right now I'll just have to settle for repeatedly watching Hot Rod with Kayla, and talking about people we don't really talk to. I wish anybody was reading this.

Yeah, Im watching the history channel.

So this weekend sucked a little, I worked from twelve to ten on Saturday, so I took some extra Provigil (the medicine I take to stay awake) and it ended up keeping me up all fucking night. I smoked a shitload, thinking it would make me fall asleep, but it didn't. So I was really high and really awake, it was such a strange sensation. Sunday was like a dream, I felt like I was living in a virtual reality. It was so strange. Even into Monday I still felt quite odd, I had my first guitar lesson and I could barely pay attention. I slept from five o'clock when I got home until eight o'clock this morning.

Things have been okay otherwise though, I made a new friend named Kayla, and she is pretty cool. We're a lot alike, so it's cool to just chill with her. I realize though how little there is to do in this town, even with a friend to do it with. I think that's why all kids my age party so much, because there isn't anything better to do. IDK though, kids everywhere party, even in more exciting places than Columbus.

I had finals last week, I really only had two of them though which wasnt so bad. One of them was open book, but it was 150 questions in two hours so it was still challenging because you can't possibly look up 150 questions answers in 120 minutes.

YAY! I just checked my grades and I got four Bs and one C! I'm proud of myself! The C was in Deevelopmental Math because of one test that I bombed (dividing trinomials is not cool), but I still passed the class so it's all good. I'm glad because I didn't even work super hard, so maybe if I work super hard next semester I'll get As. Who knows though, I may be incapable of trying much harder.

I see Dr. John (my therapist) tomorrow, but I didn't go to support group these last two Mondays, so he may be a little disappointed. I just get really nervous before going and I never want to suffer through the anxiety to go. Maybe I won't bring it up and maybe he won't ask me about it, that would be lucky.

I don't really have much else to say. Deuces.
 

So yesterday, I said I was going to clean my bathroom and wash my car but I actually ended up going out to Ft. Benning and hung out with Zane all day.

We smoked some green, and then we went to the grocery store where he works and bought food for munchies. I so cheated on my diet yesterday, I ate like some sushi (I'm not allowed to have rice) and chips (I'm not allowed potatoes) and a cheeseburger (not allowed bread) and a McFlurry (not allowed sugar.) I really cheated bad, but I'll just be on phase 1 a little longer than two weeks and it'll all even out. I'm allowed to have more stuff in phase 2 so I hope two weeks doesn't seem like forever.

Then we went to Fountain City for a little bit, but it was lame so we walked to the RiverWalk and walked around a little but it was really hot so we decided to go to Laura's house. At Laura's we smoked some more and just talked to her and stuff, we tried to track down Michael Andrews but he wasn't answering his phone (pussy.)

Then we went to Al's house. Kate, Leah, and Ashley were all there. Zane asked Kate about her switching teams (Kate used to only date girls but now she is dating a guy), it was funny. I was really awkward though, I didn't really know where to sit or what to say. Then Zane told me, "Kayce, you ARE really awkward." I was like, "Thaaanksss." I like Leah and Ashley alright, idk about Kate, and idk about Al. Al seems nice, but I've never hung out with her. I've hung out with Kate but it wasn't much to speak about. Why don't I like anyone? I'm retarded, lol. I just really am super picky about people, maybe that isn't such a bad thing though.

Zane and I were going to go see Monsters vs. Aliens, but we decided to go to Starship instead. Zane bought a dirty magazine and a dildo. He is so fucking gay, lol, literally. It felt like a real penis though! It was amazing! I saw a raindbow pipe that I really want, it's only twenty dollars so maybe next time I get paid I will go buy it. I need to buy some green too, when I get paid. We smoked the last of it yesterday.

I would totally move out and/or buy a motorcycle if I didn't owe my dad like three grand for fixing my car. IDK how fixing a car cost three fucking grand, that's ridiculous. I should have been paying more attention and not have wrecked it though, if only I could go back. I'm watching She's All That, haha, it's funny.

I guess I'm gonna go lay around, maybe clean my bathroom later on tonight. I might go outside, it's such a nice day.

Current Location: my bed!
Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: She's All That

So here I am, haven't posted here in over a year. I'm doing alright, I guess.

I'm working at Panera Bread after getting fired from Smoothie King for rolling a joint in the office (yes, I do know that I'm a dumbass.) Panera Bread is kind of way more mediocre than the last couple of jobs that I've had, I guess I was just lucky before but I'm lucky to have a job in this economy so I'm not complaining.

I'm going to school at CSU, I'm doing okay in my classes. This weeks been shitty, I got a D on a math test and a D on an english paper. And the other day I really felt like hanging myself, it was pretty bad. I had hung out at the coffee shop all day with some people, and when I left I just felt empty-- like that nothing matters anyway so fuck it all.

Had sex with Jason this week, was very anti-climactic, for me anyway. He's probably a douche for calling me for sex when before he left me to date some stupid girl but whatever. It's just sex, not a big deal. Although I would prefer to get it from someone who actually takes the time to please me. But that's never happened, I've never had a guy go from his convenient in and out to pleasure me. I don't come from intercourse so IDK, maybe it's just too inconvenient but I hate to think that because I definitely deserve to be pleasured.

Theo hasn't called me at all since last time I fucked him, and the only time I tried to contact him he was a dick to me. I'm done with that motherfucker. He isn't even worth another sentence.

I rearranged my room so that my bed wasn't on the same wall as my sister's speakers, and I'm enjoying it. Tikkit (my kitty) likes to have a clean room as well and he likes that he can lay on the bed and look out the window now.

I'm feeling sort of apathetic and bitter lately. I don't care as much about stuff as I used to, and I'm a lot quieter. I feel like nothing I have to say is important and that nobody cares anyway. I'm almost completely isolated right now, no real good friends to speak of. Lolly has a boyfriend, Rebekah has a fucking boyfriend. All the bitches from Smoothie King are bitches. I don't really like anyone anyway, I'm glad most of the time that I don't have to put up with anyones shit. I tried so hard contacting Taylor but he ignored me every step of the way. He's a big deal art student at UGA now, so I guess he doesn't have time for me. The only way I could get his attention is if I were a guy, but I'm not. Can't change that.

I fuck when I want, I smoke weed when I want, I sleep when I want. Life is good. I just wish I had someone to share it with.

I can't believe Spenser is going to be a daddy, I can't believe any of it. I can't believe that our three year relationship is really over, and that he really isn't coming back this time. I just can't believe it, it's so surreal. I feel like my life is a movie that I'm just watching.

My physchiatrist put me on more medicine last month after she saw how I hacked up my arms. I should have worn long sleeves and not told her, I mean I could have lied when she asked me. I don't want to be on all of this medicine. I feel like a zombie. I can't do anything creative, I suck at school because of it. It's awful, it's like I'm a completely different person than I was before they put me on antipsychotics. I used to be so confident and have so much to say, but it's like I'm broken. I don't know if I'm broken because of guys that have hurt me, or if it's the medicine, really. Either way I'm fucckked.

So now I'm laying in bed in my undies watching TV. I threw up while driving again on my way to school, it was awesome. All thanks be to cheap cigarettes, God, I might as well just not smoke they're so bad.

I'm on the South Beach Diet, my therapist said it will make me happier but I'm most excited about the weight I'm going to lose. I should lose between eight and thirteen pounds in two weeks. I hope I do, that would make me feel so much better about myself. I really hate myself right now, so maybe losing some weight will give me the little confidence boost that I need.

I'm going to go now, gotta clean my bathroom and wash my car. Or just be lazy. Peaceout.

Current Location: my bed!
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Make Me a Supermodel